Universal Secrets Response

we asked them, they told us…

Ooh, fascinating so far. Go on.

they wrong answer.

Who's this "they?" I hate when people wrong my answers.

They won't deny their universal secrets, instead they'll hide it in the veggies and trick it down your throat.

These "they" people must not be very smart, then… veggies? Why would I eat veggies? Blech.

Lets take a closer look at those "veggies".

I'd prefer not to, but if you insist…

Area 51

Nice laptop model from Alienware. Ask Luke about it.

First off, how do you think

I don't.

that people first got the idea that the government was hiding dead aliens in the deserts of New Mexico?

Why not? It's as good a burial site as any, no? It'd kinda smell bad with all the heat, though… or do dead aliens not smell bad in heat?

Really, i want you to think about that question before you keep reading.

Look, you're lucky I'm reading this at all. Don't push your luck.

Where did people get that idea from?

You, actually. You wrote it earlier, remember?

Sure, some wacko could have just made it up, but whose going to believe him?

I ask that same question about you all the time.

I mean, come on…20 hundred people walk around city streets every day saying stuff that we wouldnt think twice about.

"Save Ferris"

Who ever started this "rumor" had to have had a bigger "hand" on people's minds.

I'd actually prefer that you keep your "hand" off my mind due to personal space rules. Thanks, Ethan. Oh, and any reason for the quotes? It's kinda creepy.


Booooooo! (Except for President Bush, of course.)

Think about it…

We've been over this.

what better to do than spread rumors about yourself.

Spreading rumors about other people? (By the way, did you hear that Ethan Burwell kidnaps elephants? Good thing the population of African elephants has tripled in the last six months.)

You spread the rumors before anyone can get "real" proof about it, everyone believes it

Actually, if it's bad enough, they'll believe it even with "real" proof refuting it. It's kinda cool, actually. Too bad for Barack HUSSEIN Obama…

but at the same time they dismiss it because its an "urban legend" and they can't find any "real" proof.

This just in: a new urban legend has formed that Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a secret Muslim! We'll report again on this revelation at… whatever time Steve Ducey decides to repeat that again.

Now, i know what you're thinking…

Wow, you're slow today…

"spreading rumors about yourself is stupid"

No duh.

…well, in away your right.

Thank you. I tend to be.

That brings us to a second question:

No, I don't think it does… didn't we just establish that I'm right?

"If you spread rumors about yourself and they're true,

…then it's not a rumor!

what if someone looks in to the rumor?"

How is anybody supposed to look into a rumor that's not really a rumor? The thing doesn't exist.

Well the government is NOT stupid

President Bush. Support our president.


Democratic Congress.

and that is why you DO spread rumors about yourself,

No, actually I don't.

BUT you change the facts…

No, actually I don't do that either. I'm already perfect, so why would I have to change facts about myself?

(its part of the "rumor").

Don't patronize me.

What do I mean change the facts?

How should I know? Maybe you should try not to write on your off days.

Well first you don't give out the real location…

…of what?

if you give out the real location then people are going to look there, so you tell them a fake location.

Ooh, the new iPhone? Are there hidden iPhone 3Gs in the US? Brilliant.

However, the "fake" location can't be just anywhere, it has to be a "real" fake location.

…like an AT&T store. As if The Steve would let his beautiful iPhone 3G into one of those disgusting hovels.

A location that is really a valid spot for "Area 51",

Area 51? Why would an Alienware laptop be sold in the same place as the new iPhone? Do try to make sense.

somewhere that is isolated, no people, no one that would go snooping around…just the first sort of place that would pop into someone's mind,

Right, an AT&T store.

An empty desert, hence, Roswell, New Mexico.

There's AT&T stores in other places as well, you know.

Where is the real place? I dont know, but is probally right under your nose.

You fool, that's my iPod, not the new iPhone. Next guess?

Second, "fake" rumor fix, you change the name.

Right. Cingular ===> AT&T. It all makes sense now…

Do you really think that they call it area 51?!

Why are we talking about laptops again? Stay on topic, Ethan.

Besides, Puerto Rico is already "Area 51"

No, I'm pretty sure the laptop came first. Dell/Alienware should probably file for copyright infringement.

This next point brings us back a little, do you remember when you read: Who ever started this "rumor" had to have had a bigger "hand" on people's minds.



Still no.

Well, now that we know whose "hand" it is,


how do they put the "rumor" on everyone's mind?

Advertise all over that the iPhone 3G is going to be available at AT&T stores.

Lets think about this, what is the best way to get a message to everyone in America? The television!

Yes, that's where many ads tend to go…


You're patronizing me again, aren't you?

So, to ensure that this "rumor" gets to everyone they make sure that it gets on to the television.

Are you practicing for being a children's TV show writer?

That's right there is more to ET, Independance Day, The Abyss, and Transformers than just a movie.


Now, there you have it: A perfect rumor that everyone believes,

The population of African elephants has tripled in the last six months.

but dismisses

Oh, the moon landing? Stay on one topic, Ethan!

and because someone "made it up" in a movie we speculate it even more,

That's all the moon landing was… a movie.

but it still goes through us even more. Eat that for Breakfast!

…and now it turns into a commercial for fiber-enriched cereal. Seek help, Ethan.

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